allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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