Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
