This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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