I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
