i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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