How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
