My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
