Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
