I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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