This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
