I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
