Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
