I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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