Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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