Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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