Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
