no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
