I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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