I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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