They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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