I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
