I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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