So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
