Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
