Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
