fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
