Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
