i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
