I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
