Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i barfeds in our rink
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
