dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
