I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
