Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
