This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
