jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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