Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
