I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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