i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
