I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
