Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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