Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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