Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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