I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
