I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
