Kiss
Puke
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
