It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
