i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
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my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There r osticjed everywhere
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there