he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.