i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"