I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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