he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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