It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
