i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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