Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
