who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
