I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
