I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
