Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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