I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
