I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
