Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
